I can unequivocally say that Alba is now a victim of the most disturbing trend ever: child-bearing. What is with starlets and their babies? It’s so gross and interferes with all my deepest fantasies. The only child that should be in that belly is mine! And he’ll be a fantastic pitcher, drafted by the Oakland A’s in 2025 and make it to the show in 2027. Then he’ll get traded to the Mets and they’ll go on to win every World Series until 2036. That’s when the aliens come and implode the world. Because imploded planets are their fuel. The irony will be palpable.
